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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23703463">A Relationship is a Two Sided Affair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luewithoutaclue/pseuds/Luewithoutaclue'>Luewithoutaclue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:47:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,474</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23703463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luewithoutaclue/pseuds/Luewithoutaclue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeremy couldn’t even begin to understand what Jean had gone through in the Nest. The little tidbits he got from Kevin or Jean himself were horrifying enough.<br/>Jeremy knew the support Jean needed and made sure to be with him every step of his recovery, but Jeremy can’t neglect his own problems forever, waiting for them to bubble over his cheery personality.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alvarez/Laila Dermott, Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeremy hadn’t been doing well recently. With midterms around the corner and a team to captain, his anxiety had skyrocketed and that’s how he found himself on the cold tiled bathroom floor of his dorm trying to veer himself off a panic attack. <br/>Panic attacks were at least a weekly occurrence in the last month, but Jeremy was good at hiding them, so no one would see him so vulnerable. Last summer when Jean Moreau had walked into his life, and eventually into his heart, Jeremy swore that no one would ever harm the boy again. Jean’s recovery had been tough, full of minor victories some days overshadowed by relapses and the Ravens still looming behind Jean. But in the last two months, since they had started dating, Jeremy had started to see the real Jean Moreau, straightforward, funny and compassionate in his own way.<br/>With these huge steps in Jean’s recovery, Jeremy didn’t want to burden him. And that placed Jeremy now having his weekly panic attack on the bathroom floor while Jean was in lecture. The cold tiles under his feet and backside allowed him to keep a small grip on reality. His back was leaning against the cupboard under the sink, the knob digging into his left side. Jeremy took gasping breaths as oxygen started to flow better in his blood stream, the dots in his vision slowly fading away when he heard the familiar sound of the door to the dorm unlocking. Jeremy froze, his already laboured breathing momentarily halting as the door pushed open and Jean’s familiar footfalls made the wooden floor creak. <br/>Jeremy’s mind went into a panic as his hands reached up and grabbed his hair. Jean couldn’t see him his way, weak on the floor. Jean has enough to worry about, he didn’t have to worry about his pathetic boyfriend having a panic attack over nothing. <br/>“Jeremy?” Jean called out. “I’m back, class ended early. Do you want to head to the gym now so we can have an earlier dinner?” he asked through the apartment. <br/>Greeted with silence, Jean looked around the dorm and noticed the light coming from under the bathroom door. He walked up and gently knocked on the door: “Jeremy, are you in there?”<br/>Jean pressed is ear to the door. There was no verbal answer, but he could hear small noises and choked sounds, almost like a dog whimpering, coming from inside the bathroom. “Jeremy?” Jean asked again. “Are you okay?”<br/>When Jeremy didn’t answer Jean placed his hand on the doorknob and said, “Jeremy I’m worried, I’m coming in.” Jean pushed the door open and found Jeremy curled up under the sink, his hands gripping his hair and his breathing laboured and irregular. Alerted by the sound of the opening door he looked up at Jean, fear flashing in his eyes.<br/>“Go,” he croaked. “Leave!” he yelled more forcefully his time. Jean was shocked, he had never seen Jeremy afraid. He quickly closed the door before he heard what sounded like Jeremy throwing up on the other side of the now closed door. <br/>Jean felt panic rise inside of him. Jeremy was clearly not okay, but he had asked Jean to leave and Jean wasn’t going to go barging in again. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, calling the only people he could think of.<br/>The phone picked up after the second ring. “Jean?” asked Laila on the other side of the line.<br/>“It’s Jeremy,” said Jean, his voice starting to shake. He sat down his back against the wall in front of the bathroom door grounding himself. “He’s in the bathroom, I think he’s having a panic attack.”<br/>“That idiot,” mumbled Laila. “Alvarez and I will be there in a minute. Hang in there Jean,” she assured him before hanging up.<br/>Jean lowered the phone from his ear, praying that Laila and Alvarez would arrive soon. <br/>It took less than a minute for Alvarez and Laila to arrive. Laila crouched down by Jean. “What happened?” she asked, concern swirling in her eyes.<br/>“I got home, and he was locked in the bathroom, and I went in, and he was there on the floor shaking and hardly breathing.” Jean’s voice was trembling just like his hands in his lap. “And then,” Jean seemed to choke on his words, “he looked at me and he was scared, there was fear in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like that.”<br/>Laila nodded. “I’m go see him, Sara will stay with you. Jean,” she placed her hand on his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze, “Jeremy will be okay.”<br/>She got up and slid into the bathroom. The first thing she saw was Jeremy curled over the toilet bowl, gagging up stomach acid. “Hey Jeremy,” she said softly.<br/>Jeremy whipped his head around looking at her. Laila saw the fear that Jean had described flash in Jeremy’s eyes before he recognized who had walked in. She crouched down in front of Jeremy.<br/>“Breath Jeremy, breath,” she comforted. “Here,” she took Jeremy’s hand and placed it on her rib cage, “follow my breathing.”<br/>Slowly Jeremy’s breathing regulated. He looked up at Laila. “He saw me,” he croaked. “He came back early; he wasn’t supposed to be back yet.”<br/>“Jeremy,” started Laila. “Let’s calm down and get you cleaned up ok?”<br/>Laila grabbed a cup by the sink and filled it with the tap. She handed the cup to Jeremy. “Here you go, now rinse.”<br/>Jeremy grabbed the cut and rinse his mouth a few times. Laila grabbed the cup again, filling it up so Jeremy could have something to drink. <br/>“How did this come about?” she asked.<br/>“I’m just stressed. I had it mostly under control and then Jean came back from class early and I panicked. Did he call you?”<br/>“Yes,” replied Laila. “He’s really worried Jeremy. You can’t hide something like this from Jean.”<br/>“But he’s been through so much. I can’t burden him with this it’s unfair.”<br/>“I think this is unfair to the both of you,” said Laila. “He’s out there in the hallway worrying like crazy about you.”<br/>“That’s what I wanted to avoid.”<br/>“Jeremy,” Laila said firmly, “I know you’ve been a huge support in his recovery, but this is not how relationships work. You’ve got to communicate, and you’ve got to tell him when you’re not doing well. I understand that you may feel like your struggles are minuscule compared to Jean’s, but they’re still struggles.”<br/>Jeremy nodded.<br/>“Here,” said Laila as she shifted allowing Jeremy to place his head on her shoulder.<br/>Jeremy took a few shaky breaths before the tears started to flow. “I’m so scared he won’t want me anymore.”<br/>“Why?” asked Laila.<br/>“He’ll see that I’m weak and that he could so much better than someone that freaks out because things get slightly stressful.”<br/>“Now Jeremy”, cut in Laila. “You know that that’s false. You’re such an important person to Jean, anybody can see that. I’ve told you before Jeremy, he’s worried, he wants you to be ok.”<br/>Jeremy didn’t reply, his gently sobs muffled in Laila’s shoulder. </p>
<p>In the hallway Alvarez was sitting beside Jean, offering him her reassurance. <br/>“This isn’t the first time is it?” asked Jean wringing his hands.<br/>“No,” said Alvarez. “It’s been a while though, at least I think it’s been a while. It used to happen a lot, specially in freshman year when Jeremy was away from his family for the first time.”<br/>“I think he’s scared of me.” Jean couldn’t stop picturing the fear in Jeremy’s eyes. <br/>“No,” cut in Alvarez. “He most definitely isn’t. Jeremy doesn’t like when people see him vulnerable. You scared him by walking in, but he’s not scared of you. Honestly, I don’t think Jeremy could ever be scared of you.” Her phone buzzed in her back pocket, she pulled it out. “Laila says you can go in.”<br/>“I don’t think I should,” said Jean. “I think he’s better with Laila.”<br/>Alvarez sighed. “No, he isn’t. Knowing Jeremy, he probably thinks that you won’t want him anymore now that you’ve seen him without his captain sunshine mask.”<br/>“Is it all an act?” asked Jean a little surprised. Jeremy’s sunny outlook on life was such a big part of his personality Jean couldn’t imagine that it was all an act.<br/>“No,” Alvarez replied, “but it becomes one when he’s not having a good day. He doesn’t understand that he can have bad days and he doesn’t understand that it’s ok if he isn’t happy and bright all the time.”<br/>Jean nodded in understanding, he knew good days and bad days well. He stood up and headed to the bathroom door before looking back at Alvarez, still sitting on the floor.<br/>“I would say good luck,” she said, “but I know you don’t need it, but he is a stubborn son of a bitch but I’m sure you already know that.”<br/>Jean gave a tentative smile before entering the bathroom. Jeremy was curled up on Laila’s side. He looked small, weak almost. Laila looked up at Jean giving him a soft look. She gently coaxed Jeremy up into a sitting position before giving him a motherly kiss on the head, getting up and silently passing by Jean and leaving the bathroom. <br/>“Hey,” Jean said softly as he crouched down in front of Jeremy. Jeremy had calmed down, but his eyes were blood shot and his cheeks stripped by tears. “It’s ok Jer.” Jean slowly reached to the Jeremy, placing his hand on the other’s face and wiping away a stray tear.<br/>Jeremy looked down but leaned into the touch. “Jean,” he started but his throat constricted as he chocked up.<br/>Jean removed his hand from Jeremy’s cheek and opening his arms inviting Jeremy in. Jeremy surged forward into Jean’s chest, grabbing the fabric of Jean’s sweater and burying his face into his shoulder. Jean wrapped his arms around Jeremy and shifted to position them comfortably on the bathroom floor. <br/>Jeremy didn’t know how long he stayed in Jean’s arms. He must have been dozing when Jean shifted causing Jeremy to open his eyes. A wave of shame quickly ran through him, balling up in his chest. He couldn’t believe that he had let Jean see him have a panic attack. He pushed himself off Jean, looking up at Jean’s soft eyes. <br/>“I’m sorry,” Jeremy murmured, casting his eyes down. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”<br/>“What do you mean?” asked Jean. “Jeremy I’m worried.”<br/>“Don’t be,” answered Jeremy, giving Jean the best smile he could muster. “It was nothing.” Jeremy stood and started heading out of the bathroom.<br/>“No Jeremy,” said Jean following him. Alvarez and Laila seemed to have left the apartment “That wasn’t nothing, Alvarez told me this use to happen a lot.”<br/>Jeremy froze and faced Jean. “Can we do this tomorrow?” asked Jeremy defeated. “I just can’t tonight.”<br/>Jean looked at Jeremy. His bright smile, twinkling eyes and carefree posture were gone leaving him looking defeated and tired. Jean had a feeling that for the first time he was looking at the real Jeremy Knox. “Ok,” said Jean, “but we are going to talk about this.” He took a deep breath. “I care for you Jeremy, no matter what.”<br/>Jeremy nodded. “I’m going to bed.” He walked into their shared bedroom not glancing behind to see if Jean was following.  <br/>Jean stood in the hallway, unsure of his next moves. His limbs felt stiff from the time he had spent on the bathroom floor and his head heavy from everything that had unfolded. Jean debated giving Jeremy some space, but he wanted to check in on his boyfriend before he went to bed. <br/>Jean found Jeremy sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He had changed out of his clothes and was now wearing a pair of sweatpants and a threadbare shirt. Jean sat beside him, running his hand through Jeremy’s hair. Jeremy looked up at Jean.<br/>“Hey,” whispered Jean, stroking Jeremy’s soft curls.<br/>Jeremy took in a breath and leaned towards Jean’s touch. “I’m really sorry about earlier,” started Jeremy.<br/>“No,” cut in Jean. “There is no reason for you to be sorry. We decided we would talk about this tomorrow. You’re tired, go to sleep Jer.”<br/>Jeremy nodded not trusting himself to say anything. He slid under the covers, curling up in a ball. The bed felt large, cold and empty, making Jeremy shiver. <br/>“Can I join you?” asked Jean. Jeremy looked up at him and gave a slight nod. Jean quickly stripped off his shirt and pants, pulling on a pair of sweats. He then crawled in beside Jeremy, lifting his arm allowing Jeremy to press himself into Jean’s bare chest before Jean encircled him with his arms, creating a haven for the night. </p>
<p>The next morning Jeremy woke up feeling warm. His face was squished into Jean’s muscular chest and Jeremy could feel his boyfriend’s powerful arms holding him tight. Jeremy sighed and nuzzled further into Jean. He felt Jean shift and decided to look up. He was greeted with Jean’s dark sleepy eyes.<br/>“Good morning,” said Jean, his voice groggy and his accent stronger.<br/>“Morning,” answered Jeremy, admiring the way the sun coming in from the blinds was painting golden stripes on Jean’s face. “You’re so pretty,” he whispered.<br/>A blush crept onto Jean’s cheeks as he gave Jeremy a playful shove. “I’m going to take a shower, then we can have breakfast.”<br/>Jeremy nodded, rolling onto his back, watching Jean get up and head towards the bathroom. Once Jean was out of the room, the feeling of guilt from last night came creeping up Jeremy’s legs settling in his chest again. He took a deep breath, calming himself down to the best of his ability. <br/>He got up, pulled some clothes on and made his way to the kitchen to start making breakfast. <br/>Jeremy was almost done cooking eggs when Jean walked in, his hair still wet from his morning shower. Jeremy plated the eggs and handed one to Jean. Jean thanked him, grabbed an orange from the kitchen counter and sat at their small table, Jeremy joining him shortly after. <br/>They finished breakfast in silence. When Jean cleared the plates and put them in the dish washer, he sat Jeremy down on the couch. “We need to talk,” he said looking at Jeremy. “I’m worried about you. What happened last night doesn’t seem to be something new from what Alvarez told me. I want to be there for you when you aren’t feeling well. I don’t want you to hide.”<br/>Jeremy nodded he could feel the ball in his chest grow. He knew he couldn’t skirt around the truth. “I have anxiety,” Jeremy admitted. “I was diagnosed in high school.” He took a shaky breath. Jean grabbed his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. “For the most part I have it under control,” Jeremy continued, “the last week has just been really stressful with the team and school. You don’t need to worry about me Jean. Honestly, this must make you laugh after everything you’ve been through you have to see me break down over such menial things.”<br/>“No,” cut in Jean. “This definitely doesn’t make me laugh. You’re hurting Jeremy, and I want to be there for you the same way you have for me so many times.”<br/>Realization set in for Jeremy. Jean wasn’t going to let this go. He nodded, “you’re right. Relationships are supposed to go both ways aren’t they.”<br/>Jean nodded at the rhetorical question. “Yes, Jeremy they are.”<br/>“I’m sorry,” said Jeremy.<br/>“Don’t apologize, just talk to me if there are things on your mind. Let yourself lean against me and please don’t ever wear a mask for me, no matter what.”<br/>Jeremy soaked in Jean’s words. He leaned forward, dropping Jean’s hand and pushing his head against Jean’s chest. “I love you,” he whispered. “So much.”<br/>Jean’s breath hitched. Even though it had been apparent for them, they had never explicitly told each other. He wrapped his arms around Jeremy. “I love you too,” he said into Jeremy’s ear before kissing him on the cheek.<br/>Jeremy hummed and wiggled his arms around Jean. <br/>Jean smiled, looking down at Jeremy. The last day had been a roller coaster, but he felt truly content here, on the couch of a small USC dorm with his boyfriend Jeremy Knox curled up in his arms.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeremy was wrapping up practice, going through some major pointers for their upcoming game against Penn State. When he dismissed them, the Trojans quickly dispersed into the change rooms, leaving Jeremy alone on the court. Jeremy let out a shaky breath. The familiar constriction around his rib cage was back. He could feel the tendrils of his anxiety seep into his head. He tried to shake off his thoughts before following his team to the change rooms. <br/>	 It was a warm California evening. Jeremy and Jean were walking back to their dorms, letting the setting sun relax the nerves of the day.<br/>	“You’re quiet,” remarked Jean. <br/>	Jeremy shrugged his shoulder. His previous efforts to dispel his thoughts hadn’t work and Jeremy could only feel his stress of the upcoming game growing.<br/>	“I have nothing against you being quiet,” supplied Jean, “but if there’s anything you know you’ve got me.”<br/>	“I know,” said Jeremy. It had been a few months since Jean had walked into him having a panic attack in their bathroom. Jeremy was slowly learning to confide in Jean when things weren’t going well. “I’m just stressed about next week’s game. Penn state is a good team and this game could make a big impact on how the rest of the season goes. I guess I just don’t feel like we’re at the level we need.”<br/>	“The team is where it is,” said Jean. “The truth is no matter how much shit I give the team, they work very hard. Everybody has everyone else’s back and I know they will fight tooth and nail next week against Penn State. You know the Trojans; they always give a fight.”<br/>	“You’re right,” said Jeremy a grin spreading on his face. He liked hearing Jean complimenting the Trojans. “I guess I’m just stressing over nothing.” They arrived at their building and headed up to their dorm.<br/>	“You’re allowed to stress over things,” Jean opened the door with his key. “There’s a reason something is stressing you out, doesn’t matter how small or insignificant you think it is.”<br/>	“When did you get so philosophical,” chuckled Jeremy following Jean into the dorm.<br/>	“I’ve been talking to that new therapist Coach Rhemann suggested. He’s been really helpful,” admitted Jean.<br/>	“And I thought it was your inner French philosopher,” joked Jeremy. “But really,” he continued more seriously. “I’m so happy that this therapist is working our for you.”<br/>	“Me too,” said Jean grabbing Jeremy’s waist pulling him in. He leaned down and gently captured Jeremy’s lips. Jeremy responded eagerly, placing his hands on Jean’s chest. He liked to feel the wide expanse of muscles under his fingers. <br/>Before things got heated, Jeremy pulled away. “I don’t think I want to tonight. My mind just isn’t there.”<br/>Jean nodded understandingly. “No problem, what are you thinking for dinner?”<br/> “Something easy, I think there’s still some chicken breast in the fridge and there’s some broccoli and cauliflower that needs to be eaten.” Jeremy leaned his head on Jean’s chest. “Thank you,” he added. <br/>“You don’t need to thank me for stopping, you taught me that Jer,” said Jean placing a small kiss on the top of Jeremy’s head. “How about you go put something comfortable on and I’ll make dinner.”<br/>Usually dinner was a shared endeavour for Jean and Jeremy. “No Jean, let me help,” protested Jeremy looking up and Jean.<br/>Jean placed another kiss on Jeremy’s head. “You’re not feeling great tonight. Let me take care of you. Now go,” Jean urged Jeremy.<br/>Jeremy nodded, untangling himself from Jean’s arms before heading off to the bedroom. <br/>Jean started on dinner and was cutting up the vegetables when Jeremy came to join him in the kitchen, wearing an old pair of Trojan sweats with one of Jean’s sweaters. <br/>“Have you cooked the chicken yet?” asked Jeremy peeking in the fridge.<br/>“No,” said Jean. “It’s marinating on the counter by the stove.”<br/>Jeremy went over to the stove, grabbing a pan on the way. He added a drizzle on olive oil on the bottom and put the chicken in allowing it cook on low heat.<br/>“Thanks,” said Jean.<br/>“No problem,” replied Jeremy coming behind Jean, slithering his arms around Jean’s front and nuzzling his face into Jean’s back. “Thanks for being here.”<br/>Jean smiled. “Always.”</p>
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